Wednesday, July 16, 2008

What do I REALLY want?

This seems to be a question that I ask myself once a year. I get to a certain place in my life, evaluate things and sometimes struggle with knowing what I really want. Call it being indecisive or unstable. I simply call it being cautious. I hate starting things and not finishing them. Unfortunatley, I may have somewhat of a reputation of doing so. Truthfully speaking- it's not like I want to give up on certain things. I'm just smart enough to back out of them if I feel I'm either waisting my time or money. Pride certainly won't keep me in a hole.

So, where does all of this align with "Awakened"? I'm glad you asked.

Please excuse my venting. This is a very interesting journey I seem to be having as a writer. Now, I'm loving my book- I love the story, the humor, the drama, the romance... heck, I think I'm doing a pretty good job considering it's my first book. I've written the most words I've EVER had to write. College papers? Please. This is truly a remarkable achievement. BUT, I had no idea exactly how tedious and challenging it is to write a novel. I mean, there's technique to be concerned about- standards you must been to even be approved for publication. Clearly, the list goes on. Here I am sweating bullets working my butt off to make sure I'm adhering to certain standards- and when a sample gets critiqued- it's still chopped up and yet again I'm reduced to the small writer who doesn't know a thing about what she's doing.

So, what's the point? I ask myself and my husband. Why does it feel like I'm waising my time trying to jump head first into this writing world. Clearly I have a lot to learn and if people only understood how eager I am to be taken under someone's wing and helped with this doggon thing.

Back to the question at hand. What do I REALLY want with this writing adventure?

Truthfully, I had to go back and think about what I love to do and what the Lord has given me a gift to do. I love to speak and I love to write. I believe God has given me the ability to reach people; my target group being teenage girls. I love their innocence, even inspite of their womenish attitudes and immaturity. Evertime I speak to them, the Lord uses me to really reach inside and help them in crucial growth and development stages. It's a blessing and I LOVE sharing with them and being an example.

All over Christian Blog America, I've been noticing talk about Self-Publishing, Publishing, Goals..etc. I recently questioned if I should self-pub, only because a goal of mines was JUST to write a book. Below are my questions under Self and Traditional Publishing.

Self Pub
Should I care who reads it?
Does it matter to me how many copies are sold?
Am I willing to market it on my own? Or can I develop a marketing team?
Am I ready to jump into the world of Public Speaking (clearly yes, if you really know me)
Is it a waist of time to continue trying to meet other people's standards?
Do I want to make money as a writer?

What can I do to land an agent?
Will the Lord ever send a real mentor my way?
What if my agent can't get me a publisher?
Do I have what it takes to get published? And am I willing to wait?
Does conferences really help?
Will I ever sell over 100,000 copies, if I am published?
Will "Awakened" make room?

After I torment myself with these questions, I think about what I believe God told me years ago. I've always prayed and submitted my life- personality, talents and all, to God. It's all for his glory and not for myself to become rich or the next Oprah. Really, I don't care that much about how much money I'm going to make from sales. The most important thing to me is getting the message out and reaching hurting women who need help and guidance. The Lord knows my heart. Now, I'm not foolish and if I put the hard work and effort into really getting my book out there self-pub or not, then I hope to achieve some sort of financial gain. Infact, I'm praying the book "makes room". But, let me declare that it's not all about the money. I'd love to make money to give. That's where my heart is.

To tell you the truth, I will be extremely happy once the book is finally complete. I'll certainly celebrate because whether or not I become published- I can say I wrote a book. Now, my goal has always been to write a book and get it published. My biggest question is whether or not I want to self-pub or not.

I am so thankful for the most supportative husband in the world. Kellus has been an outstanding support system for me. And, he's a far better writer than he gives himself credit for. He helps me during my downtime- when I'm feeling my worst. And he rejoices with me when I am excited about writing goals that I've met. He's proud of me and he shows it everyday. He is an answered prayer and I am abundantly blessed! (Thank You Honey)

Those of you reading this, I hope you don't label me as unstable about what I want to do. There's one thing I'm sure of- and it's that I'm writing to get published! We'll see what God says about just how!

I trust in Him with my career path- He'll get the Glory!



1 comment:

Nedra said...

Hi, Kennisha. There's nothing unstable about asking questions about what you want. At least you're smart enough to realize that getting what you want and what the Lord wants for you is important. It's not a waste of time. It's very wise.

Right now, I'm asking myself some of these same questions while I'm on break. I'm not getting all the answers, but I'm finding some peace.

Kennisha, I know God is very aware of your hopes and that He wants you to blossom for Him.

Hang in there, and God bless!